The testimonies of brothers in Christ who are experiencing similar troubles is a cornerstone of BeFreeinChrist. The following is a true testimony of one brother and then a response from another who has been blessed by the openness of the first brother.
“I will tell of all Your wonders, I will give thanks and rejoice in You.”— Psalm 9:1-2
“So the man went away and told all over town how much Jesus had done for him.” — Luke 8:39
“Pornography Is Destructive and Harmful!”
Let me say, that I know that right now, I would give almost anything to be able to get on my knees and confess to my wife of the wicked and adulterous behavior I substituted her intimacy with, just to have her back. Regardless of her weight, or how we may not have been very fair in attention sharing and stuff, just to hold her in my arms and feel her breath, and cuddle and kiss and say I love you would be about as close to heaven and as far from the bottom of this pit I have dug for myself that I could be.
You don’t know what you got until it is gone. I did and do love her unconditionally but my actions spoke volumes to the contrary and now my heart is broken as what I thought would be there always has now left. And it was mostly my fault in that I let pornography become a quick and easy replacement for her intimacy with me.
Men, please do not let the love of the woman who is asleep in the other room be trampled on by porn. It is false, it is wrong, it is sin, and it is hurtful to you and to your marriage and to your children indirectly. It will cost you more than you can imagine. It did me and there may be no way to fix it this time.
I may have used up my three strikes rule and I may be out of the game for good and that loss will hound me for the rest of my life because I know that it secretly contributed terribly to our demise and how can I bring it up now that she is gone and we are battling it out in court. Maybe in August. This will all be over and I am typing up a small book to share with her all my feelings and thoughts and confessing my mistakes. Maybe it will just make me feel good to tell her and that may be all I garner from it. That may be all I get out of the effort. I have to face that and that hurts.
I prayed almost hourly to walk in Christ from now till then and set the example of how I would and will behave from now on. I am seeking counseling and will get help on this and other issues. But men, pornography is NOT victimless and it will cost you now in terms of your relations as well as in consequences in your life and possibly into eternity.
Resist the temptation and get help and support and accountability. Amazingly, with her gone and a wide open cable modem to dial as much porn as I could want and not worry, I am not because I know what it did to us, and I know God is very unhappy with what I have done and how I have severely damaged our marriage by opting to take the easy way out to deal with sexual needs.
Please stop and get help, call friends, turn off your computer, get covenant eyes, get a filtered ISP, turn off and uninstall LimeWire, Kazaa, Morpheus, etc. All of these things will just tempt you and lead you to destruction. I pray that God finds a way to heal our marriage and that some day we are together again. I pray and pray but I must face the fact it might be way too late. And I must accept the blame for at least that part of the marriage suffering.
One sad and lonely person who is extolling all of you who are married and slipping to try and consider sitting by yourself for what may be the rest of your life with no kids to watch grow up, no wife to kiss good night or good morning. No weekend quickies when the kids are sleeping or gone. No hugs and kisses when you just feel like it.
No one to share dinner with or successes or failures. Missing your kids lose their first teeth or their first day of school or parent teacher days as a family and not two adults and a kid. You must stop and take stock in what you promised to love honor and cherish and when you are deep into pornography, cherish is not a word you are familiar with. It is adultery almost as bad as if you had actually committed the act. It is almost as hurtful and more insidious. Guys, stop it. Stop it while you can before it ruins your marriage and your life.
Grab your spouse, confess your sin to her [See note below] and ask for her help in seeking counseling and for accountability. Do what you must to protect your family and your marriage as no one else will.
OK, is that enough gloom and doom?
Trust me; it sucks on this side of this nightmare. I don’t need more birds of a feather to flock together. I want to be back on the other side and I want you to not come over into this nightmare.
FIC WEBSITE EDITOR’S NOTE:
Many men have found sharing this problem to their spouse to be very helpful.
However, it is best to pray significantly in advance of telling your spouse. It is also best not to just simply blurt this problem out – TALK TO A PASTOR first, or the MEN IN FIC – but pray in advance.
Pray daily – diligently and consistently for God to open the door to make the opportunity to discuss this in a way that will be CONSTRUCTIVE to your marriage – Pray daily FOR A CONSISTENT PERIOD OF TIME.
One resource to help you gain some new perspectives on sharing this is to read the essays at www.pureintimacy.org and then pray about your own situation.
Another VERY GOOD RESOURCE in this light is the book “Every Man’s Battle“. Please read it, you’ll be glad you did!
Another good resource is the 60 day study at www.settingcaptivesfree.com.
You probably don’t know me. I have been a member of FIC for the last 6 months and have come a long way towards beating my addiction to p/m. The group has been a great blessing to me. I haven’t acted out in about 4 months, longer than I have ever gone before.
Anyway, I wanted to talk about your testimony on the FIC web site. I read it months before I even joined the group and it was a great blessing to me. Thanks for sharing it. It made me realize exactly what was at stake in this struggle and that I had to do whatever I could to get free. Recently, Tony was exhorting everyone to read from the FIC web site, so I went and read all the testimonies over again. This time I was in tears as I read your testimony again. And I’m not a man who cries easily. But this time it really broke my heart – all the pain that you went through because of this and all the loss that you experienced. I think that as I’m recovering, I’m getting my feelings back. They are no longer dulled and medicated by p/m.
My marriage has also been heavily damaged by my behavior. How could I have been so blind not to see it through all those years? We almost split up about four years ago, but thank God, she decided to stay, mostly for the sake of our daughter. I guess that I have the opportunity that you didn’t get – to rid myself of this wretched addiction once and for all and to reach out to my wife again to try to win her back. I still get to live with my daughter and be a father to her, play with her, and hug her every day. I will never take such things for granted again.
Perhaps that is one of the reasons I was so emotional reading your testimony. My heart really goes out for you, brother, because you never got the chance I have now. I pray with all my heart that the Lord will do something for you to ease the pain of your loss and to bring something good out of the whole situation. Rom 8:28 says that all things work to the good of those who love God. Oh, Father, why does there have to be so many broken marriages? Why is there so little forgiveness in this world, even when a brother has genuinely repented? Please work in the life of my brother, Van. Bring forth a truly Christ-like heart in him. Soften the heart of his ex-wife. One word from You, Lord, can bring forth a reconciliation between these two. If this is your will, please bring it to pass. If not, lead Van down a road in which there will be great blessings for him and new opportunities to love. Let this work for his good and for Your glory. Amen.
Thanks again for sharing your story. It has helped me a lot.
Your brother in Christ,