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A Brother’s Confession/Testimony

Brothers in Christ, I have a confession to make. Since I joined this group in January I have been free of pornography, apart from watching an R-rated movie scene that was very lustful. For this I am very grateful to God and the support of this group. However, I have not been willing to give up the masturbation, which has been with me since my teenage years, and which I have justified in marriage because of my wife’s emotional and physical difficulties with sex.

When I came to this group, I was reminded over and over that masturbation was a trigger and an occasion for sexual sin, and had to be forsaken, but I just didn’t want to face it. I was reluctant to turn in my purity reports every week, because every time I wrote it out, I had to report my failure in this area, and I knew that I was not resolved to stop it. I dealt with the guilt by telling myself “at least I don’t look at porn,” and even thinking negatively and pridefully about brothers who were failing in that area.

By hardening my heart against what the Lord was making clear, I became even more obsessed and addicted than before. A few days ago after making love to my wife she said she has a hard time being attracted to me when I am obsessed with masturbation (she didn’t use those words, but I knew what she meant).

I was home alone the next day. What a battle began in my mind! In my rebellion and defiance of God’s desire and my wife’s feelings, I plunged back into it. The willful refusal to surrender! All the old excuses, the stubbornness, the rebellion, the denial, the depression, the misery. The words of my wife, and the exhortations of so many of you faithful brothers kept coming back to me.

Finally I got down on my knees and prayed: “Lord, I am sick of this! I am really repulsed by what I have become! The pride, the hypocrisy, the lustfulness, it is all repulsive to me. I willingly and whole-heartedly give this thing to you. I am done fighting you. Forgive me. Wash me. Cleanse me and make me new. Give me pure thoughts and a love for you that is greater than the weakness of my flesh.”

After 38 years of addiction to this, ( a growing one over time I might add), God has finally brought me to a place where I am willing to say, “No more! I’m through”. I know this is just the beginning of the battle, but it feels so good to know that I have finally surrendered and made a conscious commitment. I really covet your prayers in this manner, and thank you all for being there for me. I pledge to be more transparent with all of you from this day forth, and to eschew all forms of pride and judgmentalism.

Clifton