NOTE: The following is a courageous example of getting your sin out into the light via confession. Many brothers in Free In Christ have found that sexual sin thrives in darkness and begins to lose its power as it is exposed. Free In Christ is a safe, confidential place to make confessions.
When I joined here I said I did not really have a problem with P, but I have recently realized that I can’t say I have never had a problem with P. When I was very young, a missionary kid on the missionary field, I was a “peeping Tom.” I heard that the Indian girls did not wear underclothes. I tried to see if that was true at four years old. Later, I used to look through art albums for the paintings of the women. Dad said it was alright because they were not “real” people, or something like that. Later, I went to England and looked at all the art there, and indulged myself in all the paintings. So I have had a problem with P, just not on the same level as some other people.
This last year I went on a missionary trip, this time as a missionary, not just a missionary kid. It is amazing how much greater the attack was when I went to the mission field for that year. The spiritual pressure was so strong. I saw some movies while there that did not show everything, but my imagination filled in the rest. There was one movie in particular that has been the image that I have used in M. The pressure to sin built up so great at that time that I was almost going crazy. To release the pressure I decided for the first and my last time to turn on the TV for the purpose of finding something erotic, and I did find it. I do not know the name of the movie but that image remains in my mind to this day, though time has faded it a bit.
I think that I have been a self-righteous P user. I said to myself. I am glad I am not like those people who are addicted to internet P. I fast once a week and I give tithes and I do missionary work. I am glad I am not like those who look at P all the time. I do not look at photos of women, I only look at paintings of them. I do not look at P, I only try to see as much as I can of the real living women that I come into contact with. I do not look at P, I only watch movies that do not show everything but imply everything. I am glad I am not like those immoral people who are no longer virgins. I am Glad I have kept myself pure. I only M, but I am glad I have kept myself pure from fornication. And I am glad I have not committed in**st I have only wanted to, and dreamed about it. I am glad I have not committed r*pe, I have only done so with my imagination.
You see, fear of what others would think of me kept me from all the excesses of the things above. If I had gone one step farther in each area I would have done something that could be pinned down as really wrong by the world’s standards. My parents were never bothered by the art gazing. No one ever noticed me being a “peeping Tom.” No one ever caught me watching a bad movie. My sister never knew that I lusted after her. No girl could have seen my desire to fornicate with her.
I thought of something last night to describe my addiction and this came to mind. I avoided the excess of the excesses but went to moderation in excess. The other day for example, after falling to M I decided to binge on TV. Pure harmless stuff, but I watched it all night. It was moderation in excess. It is like refusing to drink a drop of wine but drinking a gallon of something with 1% alcohol content. That is me.
I think this confession will do me good.