More and more I am beginning to see the wisdom in advise Tony Gives. We never go back to day 1. As we do the hard work of recovery, as we take this journey throwing ourselves at the mercy of God, change does happen, but often not at the pace we would like or in the exact manner we would like to see.
We must come to a place where we realize that we are not only powerless over our addiction, but powerless over how quickly we will recover from this addiction.
I am so thankful for every clean day that I have, for every day that I am not dissaccociating and numbing out from life, for each day that I stay present and don’t live in constant worry and fear. Those days that I do begin to check out and even those times when I slip and fall, are painful, regretful and difficult to live through, but often, if I take the time I can learn from them. For instance I am learning that unplanned, unstructured time is very dangerous for me. When I either by choice or through circumstance isolate from others I am extremely vulnerable to wanting to act out. Knowing that this right now is a weak area in my life, I can plan accordingly and surround myself with others that I can reach out to when I am vulnerable, lonely needing to talk or just feeling abandoned.
I am also learning that I don’t have to go through life’s challenges and trials alone, I wasn’t made to carry these burdens alone, I can reach out to the body of Christ, I can reach out quickly to those God has put in my life and they can help me shoulder the stresses and trials of life.
For years I thought a man was suppose to be strong, not cry, not show vulnerablity. He was suppose to be strong and have the answers. That is not the Christ like life we are called to. We are to live in humility and community, we are to bear one anothers burdens, we are to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. I appreciate each and every one of you in this fellowship, for each of you is a brave gentle warrior with courage to face the biggest challenge of your life. For so many years I lived in grandiosity looking for this huge encounter with God, looking for doing something phenomenal for God (almost as sort of a way to make up for this one huge defect of character in my life), Yet I am realizing today that all any of us have is this very moment and if we will be silent in the hear and now, we can hear the still small voice of God, and realize as Brownning said “Every Sunrise is a burning bush, so let us remove our shoes for today we walk on Holy Ground”.
For the miracle of recovery is realizing that by not acting out, we are beginning to learn truly how to live.
Bless each of you as you continue this couragous journey,