About two weeks ago, I seriously considered in my mind divorcing my wife because I had no idea how to handle her telling me about the effects of my p and m had done damage to her life and our marriage. There was so much strife and arguing. In fact, I took it upon myself to knowing and purposefully to m and to give myself access to p because I did not care anymore.
My eyes began to wander and I began to think about other women and what it would be like to be single again and all the women and… well, you get where I am going with this. I was looking at the temporal and not the eternal. I had this view that if I get out of this marriage, that the “grass will be greener on the other side.” But the truth is, people, that it never is. You go to another lawn and it might not have the problems of the lawn you left, but it comes with its own set of issues.
I was going down a wrong path fast and I just didn’t care anymore. But God in his infinite mercy permitted a friend to talk to me for what seemed like one to two hours and got on my face about God and marriage and commitment and purity. I know I told you guys all of this before on another post. I was very, very angry and was ready to walk out on my friend. But what struck me was a word from God that his wife gave to me concerning my marriage where she said: “if you leave your wife, you will struggle with your issues… those things won’t go away.. in fact, it will get worse. You will be like a man living with his arms cut off.” That is what hit me and I began to think and ponder and my heart began to soften.
Since then, I have been broken and reflective and starting to look not at the temporal- the lust or a divorce or the easy way out- but at the eternal- looking at God and learning to depend on Him to restore me personally and do a miracle in my marriage. My heart is opening up more to God. As a result, the pages in the Bible are starting to take on more life for me.
And just recently, the Lord gave me a dream where he revealed to me things that I was already thinking about with regards to wounds from childhood that have affected my present life. I also saw a movie recently that made me cry because it involved a theme of something I never really received from my father: “A rite of passage as a man where I am affirmed and encouraged and called a man.” I have this massive gap on the inside as a result of it and God is working on healing me as my Heavenly Father. When I shared this with the counselor that my wife and I went to for the very first time, she had materials that by “coincidence” talked about the Jewish rite of passage for a man. Coincidence? I think not.
I think that God loves us all very much so much so that He won’t leave us to our own devices. He won’t let us destroy ourselves. God is speaking to me and I am not going to be dumb enough to totally resist Him and ruin my life and future.
I will look at the eternal and get my eyes past all of the false counterfeits of the enemy.
One day at a time.