This letter has been a long time coming. I joined FIC a few months ago, and while I can’ t access the Yahoo Group pages, I have read the FIC.org page many times for help and guidance. I really feel called today to tell you my story. I won’ t make it graphic nor scandalous so that triggers are not involved. I have been addicted to this behavior for 15 years. As a teenager I discovered P and then as time went on I searched for it. I was exposed to it regularly, my father tried to hide it but I found it. My mother, his wife and he were so wrapped up in their divorce and problems that my dad sought P to melt his pain and anguish at my mother’ s behavior. I used it to dull the pain of what was going on in that house as well. I graduated High School and I was so blessed by the Lord to find the love of my life so early. Many people search and many times wait their whole life looking for the mate of their dreams. I found her at 18. We were young and dumb. We worked at an amusement park and wasted our summer away, having fun, causing trouble and finally we got pregnant. It wasn’ t a surprise really. I decided that this moment was a defining one for me and I joined the service to take care of my family and the responsibilities of a family. I left that Fall and went to basic training. I graduated and left for special training. In between Christmas break we got married. It was a little church, a few friends her family and it was marvelous. I graduated the special training and I was sent to Texas , My young bride, scared and homesick traveled to Texas to be with me.
We started our life, it was tough, money was scarce, and our love seemed to get us through in the beginning. Then things got rough. My best friend at the time, shortly after this rough period, introduced the internet to me. It was the most devastating decision I would make. The one that would change the course of my history. At first the computer was in his apartment, and then it moved to mine. I found P. At first it was a few times a week, then every day, then hours a day. This continued for years. Every great once in a while I would give it up for time but never for very long. I attended college online which helped to keep me online and helped give me an excuse to be online. Looking at P, led to talking to women, which led to devastating results. I met women over the internet.
All the while I thought I was in control, my life was spiraling farther and farther out of control. On the one side I was going to church, raising a family and on the other I was in encased in sin and rebuke of God. In 2004 it was full blown. There was a woman that I could not say no to. She wound up pregnant. I hid it for the first few months. Then when I could hide it no longer, I told my wife. She was devastated. I ruined her life, my children’ s life, this other women and left a path of destruction. I began counseling and at first I didn’ t really want to hear it. But I had a problem. I was thrown out of my house. It was somewhat begged for on my part, daring my wife, so that I had an excuse to divorce. In June of 2005, father’ s day I made the decision that this had to stop. The work of the counselor, the calling of God, my wife, my kids was too much. I gave up the relationship with the other woman. I moved in with my wife again. In August I was back up to my old tricks and I found myself on the street. This time with nothing. I had given it all to my wife out of guilt and out of shame. In November I made my first visit to SA. The hardest thing I ever had to do. I was scared, terrified and feeling very alone. The Lord though was with me, Satan tried to get me not to go. An epic battle seemed to be happening right before my eyes. I got lost, I panicked, my glasses broke (the lenses popped out), it was dark, I could not see the street signs. I regrouped, I found my other pair in my console and I found my way. I walked in 15 minutes late and I sweat profusely listening, never looking anyone in the eye. I was by far the youngest member there. I found strength in going though. I continued going to SA. However I began to notice that I took pleasure in the stories of others. I realized I needed to find another home, a home where the sin wasn’ t relived every week, but that healing began to take place. A few months later I discussed this with a pastor, not in detail but the need for a group of men struggling with this and he led me to FIC.
I have found FIC, a great counselor who went beyond the scope and pay I gave her to help me refocus my life. There are periods where I don’ t want to listen. I still struggle with lust and the grip of P and Sex. Just this weekend my wife and I attended a Peace Maker Seminar and it was awesome. There is possible redemption even after all this. This speaks to the true Mercy, Passion and Grace of God. You might be surprised to know that I am merely 28 years old. Yet this addiction has ravaged my life. I made horrible choices on the basis of lust, pride and sin. I don’ t stand before you a victor, rather as a sinner. The hope I have in Jesus is miraculous. If he can redeem me, my marriage, my relationships with family and friends. He can do this for anyone.
Thank you all for letting me share my story.
Your brother in the fight, Steve.