First, some context.
Though I do not consider what I have done today to have broken sobriety, I do consider it an important, vital teaching for me in my recovery.
During the afternoon, almost imperceptibly, I found myself looking for photos of a news person at a local TV station I am smitten with. Rather than feeling she is merely attractive, I believe my focus on her to be somewhat inappropriate. Though this is a strong word, and my interest in her is “mild,” I found myself thinking back to what happened earlier this morning during my prayer time…
As I prayed for God to give me a clean heart, which I do regularly, I found that I was tuning in to a realization I think God has often put on my heart lately. If He could audibly speak to me I think this is what He would say:
“Yes, Tim, you are praying for a clean heart and this is good. But never forget that no matter how clean you think you are and how firmly you stand, you are only a split microsecond from disaster. Deep, deep within you – beneath even the overt lust and sexual wildness you struggle with – is a small, putrid stream – a “seep” of filth and lust. This stream-let will always run within you, however low it might run. It will be there and you need to stay close to Me so it will not overflow into a raging torrent that might overwhelm and destroy you. Stay near Me. Trust in Me. Continually confess and mourn for your sin and turn back whenever you stray in the slightest – because the seep of sin will always be there. Remember, my Word says to take care that you not get prideful or over-confident; thinking that you are past sin and able to handle things all by yourself. Only in, thorough, and by My holy power will you walk in holiness.”
This afternoon’s “stroll” down a nearly wayward path reminded me of this toxic seep. I quickly confessed and left the computer before I went astray; but in reflecting on what happened I realized how “siren-like” and “dumbly” we can – any of us at any time! – “wander” down the path of sin. For me, I must realize that the root of sin is deep within me, taken hold from birth, and that only Jesus can clear the mess out of my life and guard me from falling full-bore into a life of decadence.
I share my story about “the seep” in hope that it might be something someone here can relate to and learn from.